It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier…. I thought I’d put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I woke up this morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch.
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “Cut it out.”
I xeroxed a mirror.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “What do you need?”
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child….eventually.
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

More on the genius Steven Wright here.

In a site where we present unique comedians, Steven Wright couldn’t be left out. He is on top of the list. He is truly genius and one of the most brilliant comedians ever. He is most famous for his incredible amount of witty, ironic and surreal jokes and his deadpan, slow style of stand up comedy. Some of his quotes from the shows are
“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.”
“When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.”
“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

and the highly philosophical…

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?“

He is also an actor and a writer. In 1989, he won an Academy Award for his short film, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings, where he starred with Rowan Atkinson. In 1992, Steven Wright had a recurring role on the television sitcom Mad About You and we saw him next to Roberto Benigni in Coffee and Cigarettes.