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Not Like Aesop’s Fables… One more for the fans!

tasospap — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 05:54:24 +0000

Once upon a time, all the animals of the forest gathered up in the big forest clearing to hold a meeting. The meeting was summoned in that important place of the forest where all the major meetings were held by the Squirrel, for the settlement of a very important issue that troubled him for a very long time. The Owl, who built her nest just above his little house in the old oak tree, some nights, did not let him sleep with her singing, and all the animals in the forest were summoned to resolve this crucial issue. The meeting had a quorum. Even the old Mole woke up from his morning sleep to attend the meeting and hear all the different opinions and proposals. The meeting lasted for a very long time though without reaching a conclusion and so the Ape got up and danced. All the animals were pleasantly surprised, and admired the Ape’s dance and praised him a lot.

“Well-done, Ape!” first cried the Cock as a shiver of absolute pleasure ran through him.

“Bravo!’’ shouted the Donkey.

“Excellent dance, Ape!” said the Bear.

The Elephant shed a tear with deep emotion and shook his head with respect and enthusiasm while the Badger got up and started applauding him respectfully. One by one all the animals followed the Badger, got up and gave a standing ovation to the Ape. Only the Peacock did not get up, not because he didn’t want to, but because he had no legs and was carried wherever he wanted to go by his friends the Ants. The Giraffe almost burst with jealousy and got up to dance. But then, all the animals started to become very upset by the horrible sight and started booing her. The Giraffe’s dancing spectacle thus came to a bitter end amidst the laughter and ridicule of the audience.

“Stop dancing!” first cried the Cock as a shiver of absolute disgust ran through him.

“Sit down you spindly creature!” shouted the Donkey.

“Shame on you, Giraffe!” said the Bear.

The Elephant shed a tear and shook his head with disapproval while the Badger got up and shouted at the Giraffe, waving angrily his fists at him. “You lanky freak!” And all the animals got up and gave a standing ovation to the Badger. Again, except for the Peacock.

“Boo! You moron!” cried the Crab then.

“You dance so hideously, you scurvy Giraffe!” cried the good-hearted Mister Hippopotamus.

“Disgraceful!” cried the Hare wearing his bowler hat.

“You call that a dance, you ludicrous creature?” cried the Locust infuriated.

“You dance ghastly, Giraffe!” said the Frog.

“How more grotesque could you possibly be? You tendril!” wondered aloud the Caterpillar and laughed.

“You gangly creature! You dare to dance! Damn you! Hey, gangly!” cried the Cow then.

“The only thing that is uglier than your dance is your face!” said the wise Owl sarcastically and all the animals had a good laugh over that.

“Booooooooooooo!” hissed then all the Ants unanimously.

The Squirrel was so angry at the Giraffe, and tried to think of a punchy insult to yell at her, but because he did not have a glib tongue and he would always think afterwards of what brilliant thing he could have said, stepped forward and threw an acorn on her head. All the animals cheered enthusiastically for the Squirrel and shouted “Bravo Squirrel! Well done Squirrel!” and picked him up on their shoulders to celebrate.

The poor Giraffe, who had already stopped dancing, sat down feeling very sorrowful in front of the animals that were booing at her. “Woe is me! I am rightly served for dancing after the Ape!” she thought and started weeping disconsolately.

All the animals just stood there and stared at the poor Giraffe crying without feeling any compassion, just anger and shame on her behalf. Only the Snail stepped forward, approached her, stood beside her, turned to the other animals and cried.

“Somebody kill her! Why do you stand there staring at her? Didn’t you all see how badly she danced?”

The first animal to pounce angrily upon the Giraffe was the Pig but the Lion being faster and stronger got to her first and devoured her at one gulp in front of all the animals there.

If you liked this story, there are many, many others in the book

“Not Like Aesop’s Fables“

Already a cult phenomenon! … Xperience the stupidity!

BUY the book “Not …Like Aesop’s Fables” NOW on amazon.com

Not Like Aesop’s Fables… Already a cult phenomenon!

tasospap — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 05:51:45 +0000

Once upon a time, in a dark forest which saw no sun, there lived a joyful and cheerful Caterpillar. She was young, slender and all the other Caterpillars envied her because she was the most beautiful of them all. Her beautiful rich blond hair and her beautiful green eyes that fitted perfectly her green heavenly-shaped body made every male Caterpillar turn their heads with yearning, to look at her and whistle at her in a very sly manner. But she did not pay attention to any of them. If she liked a whistle, she rewarded it with her beautiful smile, as she passed by. She was beautiful, trendy, sexy and she knew it. The whole forest was at her feet. She wasn’t that smart though because one day when she was having a stroll in the forest, she saw a pine needle lying on the ground and she immediately fell passionately in love. At first she was perplexed because the pine needle did not whistle at her as she passed by, a thing she was used to practically since her coming into the world.

The little beautiful Caterpillar was very very upset because this was the first time something like this was happening. “Could it be that my paint has brushed off?” she thought feeling very sad and turned to see if she was still green. She was greatly relieved for a moment and walked by the pine needle, who was still lying in the exact same spot in the exact same position. It did not whistle again though, not because the Caterpillar wasn’t beautiful but because everybody knows that pine needles cannot whistle. The Caterpillar could almost burst with frustration. “Why doesn’t he pay any attention to me?” she wondered to herself. She dug her heels in and tapped her left feet angrily on the ground. Again, nothing. No movement from the pine needle. It was then that the little Caterpillar fell madly in love with him. “Oh, he is sooooo cool” she thought and stood there looking with her enamored green eyes that fitted her green body that was shivering just by looking at the pine needle. At first, she approached somewhat tentatively and playfully. She closed her eyes, puckered up her green lips and kissed the pine needle. Electricity went through her whole green body.

“So, you have the hots for me?” she said to the pine needle after she opened her eyes and smiled with the smile that only green caterpillars in love have.

The pine needle had not even moved. The little green Caterpillar was turned on. Slowly and softly she began to kiss the pine needle and made her way down.

The heart of the little green Caterpillar was now beating like mad. She looked up and whispered, “Tell me, is this what you want?”

Not an answer still from the pine needle. The little Caterpillar was determined though. She took one breath and thought to herself, “It’s now or never” and said, “This is my first time! I’ve never done this before! Tell me if I accidentally hurt you with my teeth!” and started to lick it gently with her green tongue and then after she got the feel of it she put the pine needle in her mouth as deep as she could trying not to touch it with her teeth.

Still there was no reaction from the pine needle.

“My turn now!” said the Caterpillar very cheekily as she climbed on top of the pine needle and started to rub herself up against it.

She wrapped her legs around the pine needle and continued to rub herself up against it slowly and rhythmically. Soon the pine needle got wet. The little green Caterpillar let out a sigh of pleasure, which she at first tried to muffle. She changed her position. She placed the pine needle behind her and turned her head back to look at it and said in a very leery manner, “You can do with me as you please!”

The pine needle, however, just stood still. The Caterpillar was rubbing herself up against it faster and more intensely and didn’t take long before she screamed, “Yes! Yes! There! There!” and lost just for a few seconds the feel of her green body.

The little green Caterpillar, after she got back her breath, turned and laid next to the pine needle, which remained still. “So this is what true love is like!” sighed the little green Caterpillar and smiled with the smile that satisfied Caterpillars have on their faces. “My mother was right when she told me to wait until I find the right one! She must meet you!” she said happily and laid next to the pine needle for pillow talk.

The little green Caterpillar was happy for the first time in her life.

Not Like Aesop’s Fables… Another Fable!

tasospap — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 05:49:01 +0000

The animals of the forest held a beauty contest. The most beautiful of them all would receive a big pine cone as a prize, the biggest pine cone in the whole of the forest. All the animals wanted that pine cone. They could not decide though which animals would be in the tribunal committee because there were a lot of vested interests and intrigues, regardless of the fact that at the surface of things everything was peaceful and all the animals smiled at one another and tried to keep things courteous and civil. The beauty contest was a very serious issue to every animal of the forest because the prize was so precious: the biggest pine cone in the whole of the forest. The greatest number of entries for the beauty competition came from the Ants, which caused a big problem because they were just too many and very similar to each other, and so a big fight broke out. In the end, after quite a few of them had died, common sense prevailed and after they reconciled, they chosen the most beautiful and slender of them all to represent them in the beauty competition.
As the Ants were fighting though and causing much confusion, the Monkey sprang up and cried, “I am the most beautiful!” With that, she snatched the precious prize, the biggest pine cone in the whole of the forest and started running away with it like mad. As her bad luck would have it, though, the Lion caught up with her, grabbed her with his sharp claws, dragged her back by the tail in front of all the other animals, took the pine cone out of her hands, placed it back in front of the committee of the beauty competition and started devouring her slowly. Poor Mrs. Monkey was in excruciating pain and screamed so loudly that you could bet the animals of the neighbouring forest could hear her. As the Lion started eating her, first her hands and then her legs one by one, she continued to scream for help, pleading with the other animals to save her from the Lion’s mouth. All the animals however just stood there and looked at the horrible spectacle coldly and without pity because at the end of the day, Mrs. Monkey’s setback was all her fault because she tried to steal the precious prize, the biggest pine cone in the whole of the forest and run away.When the Monkey’s screaming finally stopped forever, the animals joyfully continued the beauty competition peacefully, even though the stakes were high. It was decided that the tribunal committee should consist of

the Owl, the wisest bird in the forest, the Frog because he was experienced in these matters and was a member of all the committees for every competition in the forest, and the Canary because he was the yellowiest animal in the forest and therefore the most suitable for this kind of competition. The competition was tough. All the animals competed with each other naked. There was no swimsuit category this year.They also competed in singing and dancing and that’s why the competition lasted for days. All the animals waited patiently though and stuck around because the prize – the biggest pine cone in the whole of the forest — was so precious and so coveted. The most beautiful animal of all, as it was generally agreed, was the Tortoise, but she did not do very well in singing or dancing and thus she landed in fourth place. The Tortoise was so angry with the committee that she left waving her fist at them and muttering some curse words. Better at singing and dancing was the Locust, but he was so ugly that no animal wanted him to receive the prize of the biggest pine cone in the whole of the forest.

The prettiest animal that danced and sang exquisitely was the Monkey, which all the animals knew. And so they decided to give the prize to the Lion on behalf of the Monkey. The Lion happily stepped forward to receive the most coveted prize on behalf of his dear friend. He graciously thanked the committee for this honor, whereupon all the animals commenced dancing, rejoicing, and celebrating until the next morning when they all returned home feeling very happy.

If you liked this story, there are many, many others in the book“Not Like Aesop’s Fables“

Already a cult phenomenon! … Xperience the stupidity!

BUY

the book “Not …Like Aesop’s Fables” NOW on amazon.com

Not Like Aesop’s Fables… The first Fable!

tasospap — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 05:45:53 +0000

Once upon a time, in a very vast forest, so vast in fact that even the old Tortoise never saw the end of it, there lived a Snail, young and lissome, like all the little Snails in the forest. He played with all kinds of other animals, lots of different games, hide and seek, tag, he was running and jumping here and there, swimming in the lake with his pals the Lions and was having a whale of a time. When he got tired, he sat down to rest like all little tired Snails do. And then he got up and climbed up on the trees and did all sort of mischief. He had a pretty certain future laid out for him. His father had big dreams for him and his mother even bigger. The little Snail though grew up and started getting into bad company, that is to say the Squirrel.

The Squirrel was very shady, had a very suspiciously bushy tail, moved in a shady way, and all day he sat on tree branches and collected hazelnuts and walnuts. Some animals said that he had dealings with the gangs of the other side of the forest. The little Snail was impressed with the bushy tail of the Squirrel and immediately made friends with him. He too wanted a bushy tail like the Squirrel’s and although he begged and begged his parents to get him one this just couldn’t happen. This led to the big fight with his parents and him leaving home. His father couldn’t bear the pain of his only son leaving home and died. Some say it was because he ate a whole walnut, others – who know – say that he died of a broken heart. The little Snail’s mother started consorting with other animals and took care of them and caressed them at nights for some food crumbs they gave her if she did her job correctly. The little Snail was now happy or at least he thought he was, with his friend the Squirrel. The Squirrel gave him one of his nuts to nibble.

That day the little Snail cried. A lot. In one moment the little Snail had grown up. He remembered then, how happy he was in his old home where he played and sang innocently and joyfully. There was no turning back now. Innocence seemed to be a washed-out memory, he would enjoy from then on, only in his dreams. Shortly after, he began to serve the Squirrel and do odd jobs for him, but the little Snail still thought of him as his dear friend. One dark night, his dear friend the Squirrel, sent the little Snail to do some business with the jackals at the other side of the forest. He betrayed him though and the jackals awaited the little Snail with very cruel and very violent intentions. The poor little Snail, not knowing the danger he was in or knowing that the Squirrel had betrayed him, went to the place where all shady business of the forest was conducted. All the animals of the forest knew what happened there at night, or rather they didn’t want to know and so none of them dared to even come close. There were no witnesses in that place. Not live ones, at least.

The poor little Snail remembered his wise old father who always said to him, “The jackals usually hide behind the trees, my precious little Snail!” and so he approached the meeting place with caution, as quietly as he could. There was no one there — at first glance. He took a closer look though and saw tails jutting out the trees and immediately became suspicious.

“These must be jackals!” he thought and set out to leave as un-noticed as he came.

The Owl, however, who sat on a branch of the tall oak tree, cried, “Good morning, Snail!”

That was the signal. The jackals that were hiding behind the trees sprang out and started to run after him. The chase was remorseless and ceaseless. The poor little Snail running before the jackals came across an Ant who went there to be alone with his thoughts. He saw the Snail and the howling jackals and stepped aside.

“Good morning, Ant!” That was all the Snail had time to whisper gasping for breath.

“Good morning, Snail!” replied the Ant, but before he got the chance to finish his “Good morning,” the Snail was already miles away.

The jackals, who were running after him trying desperately to catch up, saw the Ant stopped and stood over him very threateningly. Τhe Ant was petrified. He just shut his eyes tightly, and took a short breath. You could only hear the jackals, who licked their lips, trying to catch their breath.

The poor Ant knew what horrible fate awaited him. He opened his eyes, gathered up all the courage he had left and said, “Omerta!”

After a few moments of nightmarish silence the jackals said, “Omerta!”

The deal was sealed. It was the law of silence. The poor Ant would be spared and no one would ever ever know what happened.

“What happens in the forest stays in the forest, Ant!” said one jackal.

“We said already, Omerta!” replied the Ant.

The jackals laughed hard and continued to run after the Snail who by now had gotten almost too far away. The poor Snail in a state of absolute panic was desperately looking for some place to hide. He looked around and rushed into a dark cave and because the night had already fallen and he was very tired and scared, he found somewhere warm and cozy to rest on and sleep. He heard from outside the jackals hurling and looking furiously for him. There in his warm extemporaneous shelter he dreamt of his parents who had so many high hopes for him. And now he was resting in a strange, cold and dump cave, lost in the forest, far away from the pond where he played and swam too happy to care about anything. Far far away. He cried himself to sleep.

When the dawn came, the Snail woke up and realized that the soft warm and cosy place he slept was in fact a Bear who was sleeping carefree. The Snail got very scared. He carefully got up, got dressed and tried to leave without making the slightest noise. As his bad luck would have it though, he stepped on a twig. A hardly audible “Crack” was heard and the Bear, who we all know is a very light sleeper, woke up and yawned. The Snail thought for a moment to run for his life, but his second thought was that this would be a simple suicide because the Bear would catch up to him and gulp him down or worse, she would tell the jackals that she saw him. So he ran straight back to her arms, he looked at her playfully and said, “You were wonderful.”

The Bear was very startled. She rubbed her sleepy eyes and said, “I don’t remember! We were together yesterday?”

“Didn’t you notice?” replied the Snail looking a bit worried.

“No! No! I didn’t mean it like that!” she said reassuringly.

And the Snail showed that he was very upset. Inside, however, he was thinking, “Cool… I got away with it!”

“I must have eaten a lot of honey yesterday! I always get dizzy afterwards and can’t remember a thing!” said the Bear.

“Do you love me?” asked the Snail with teary eyes.

“Yes of course! Of course I do! Naturally,” she replied to the Snail and gave him a friendly pat on the back.

“I know that it is rather soon but it does not cost us anything to give it a try!” said the Snail passionately.

“Yes! Yes… Why not? It’s just… If only I could remember what happened yesterday,” replied the Bear, scratching her head.

“Hush!” The Snail closed the Bear’s mouth, touching her on the lips. “It’s not important now!” he added, and nestled up to her.

And thus, they stayed together and lived happily ever after.

If you liked this story, there are many, many others in the book “Not Like Aesop’s Fables“.

BUY the book “Not …Like Aesop’s Fables” NOW on amazon.com

Holy Shit! George Carlin is dead!

tasospap — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 07:38:28 +0000

I can’t believe it… Our hero, this unique genius will no longer … explain our world to us! He was not only a comedian… he was a philosopher, a cultural icon, a nessecity in our fucked up world… His cynisism was liberating, his humor hit you in the gut, and his views, you wouldn’t find yourself disagreeing with them, at least if you were normal… We’ll miss you Georgy, more than you’ve problably have thought!… Thank you for all the laughs and the wisdom!

Some Norm Wisdom

tasospap — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 07:37:22 +0000

Norm from Cheers, played by George Wendt, is one of the most brilliant and recognizable characters in TV history.

Here are some of his quotes…

“How’s life treating you Norm?”"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.”"Women. Can’t live with ‘em….pass the beer nuts.”

“What’s going down, Normie?”"My butt cheeks on that bar stool.”

“What’s the story Norm?”"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.”

“How’s about a beer, Norm?”"That’s that amber sudsy stuff, right? I’ve heard good things about it!”

“What’s going on Mr. Peterson?”"The question is what’s going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody.”

“Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?”"A little early isn’t it, Woody?”"For a beer?”"No, for stupid questions.”

Steven Wright Jokes…

tasospap — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 07:35:57 +0000

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier…. I thought I’d put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I woke up this morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch.
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “Cut it out.”
I xeroxed a mirror.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “What do you need?”
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child….eventually.
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Marketing and Sex…

tasospap — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 07:34:38 +0000

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends approaches her, points at you says, “He’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.